Phase 1

Okay, so I disappeared for a while. I laid out exactly what I want and I…totally jumped ship! Not totally. I dated a few guys. A few good guys.  None really went past 5 dates.  There could be loads said here; I don’t know a good thing when I see it, I shouldn’t have to compromise chemistry for quality, quality for chemistry, they just weren’t quite “the one,” or at least not “the one” enough to blog home about. Whatever! I have slayed myself open and blogged the crap out of my past. I’m done with it.  It’s about action now!

Phase 1 is the first step in my new dating game. I know, I know…it sounds gimmicky and it totally is but to make it better we’re going to call it a STRATEGY! The strategy in phase 1 is to date my friends boyfriends and husbands…don’t worry, my friends are totally on board! Why do it? Because these men are worth more than their weight in gold.  My friends have superman men! And I’m going to date them! Call it brilliant, call it the power of attraction, call it practice, call it crazy, I don’t care…I call it momentum!

With every guy I date I know that on one level or another I’m getting closer.  So, why not throw in a bunch of guys I’m guaranteed are winners! Obviously, they aren’t real boyfriend potential but their potential for insight, and information is massive.  And it doesn’t hurt that they already love me. This can only serve me well when I’m playing one on one for keeps!

Tonight was my non-date “date” with Todd.  While I knew that it wasn’t really a date it was nice to sit down one on one with a man and think the person accross from me is really great. It got me excited about the possilbity again.  I can’t speak for Todd but there were elements that were first date-esque…we didn’t really know each other too well so there was lots to share! And it in this sense…it was a good first date because I wanted to share.  There’s nothing worse than going out with someone and, despite having 30 some-odd years of life prior to our meeting, we feel like there’s not much to say!! But this was not the case tonight, conversation about work and life today flowed easily into a larger picture commentary i.e. education practices and finally, the reason for our “date”, dating!

Todd is going to write about book about dating, online dating specifically and I’m going to be one of his many case studies! This isn’t necessarily Todd’s plan, though it’s not a bad idea, as he is the man who SHOULD write a book about online dating.   Not only is he in a very successful relationship with one of my favourite people whom he met online but he’s thoroughly investigated the topic. Through his own experience, research, and the experiences of his friends he’s developed a system! A system he’s going to put into practice for me.

Look out boys…I’m back in the dating game and I’ve got expert allies! Todd has been given the link to this here blog so that he can get the nitty gritty on me and relationships. With this information plus ourconversation tonight and I imagine a few more conversations he’s going to create my profile! He’s even given me tips of how many and what kind of photos to post.  Then, begins the conversation…a somewhat personalized form letter that allows for a bit more specific information that continues the weeding out process.  His whole strategy is about maximizing quality and minimizing output and false hopes…two major momentum killers with online dating. 

I love it! I never really thought to have a strategy… Cinderella didn’t have a strategy and she got her prince. Rapuzel needed a prince to come up with a strategy.  And, Sleeping Beauy napped through the whole dating process, woke up and got married to her prince…since happily ever after is all I’ve been after, why the hell would it ever occur to me to have a strategy for dating?

Non-date date #2 is on Saturday with Jonny! Breakfast! I can’t wait to see what he’s gonna teach me!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

I’m all that

Mia said it. Max said it. “The Secret” said it. My hairdresser said it. Jill has done it! They have all said and done it in their own unique way but it’s the same message… I need to get really clear and specific about what I want. I need to blueprint a man.

But being my daydreamy self I have had some trouble putting it into words…I just have these little vignettes that play out in my head about how it will look. For example, it’s Christmas time and it’s chaotic.  Family and kids and sugar and trying to uphold the traditional expectations of the holidays are making it a little hard to appreciate the magic of season. So I escape to the kitchen to keep the festivities going but also as a little reprieve from the busyness.  While I’m brewing cider or cutting shortbread or trimming the turkey ‘he’ comes in, wraps his around me from behind and whispers “you make Christmas wonderful.” I turn, and we kiss like we’re under a sky full of mistletoe.   

How do I put that into one or two words? Is it a feeling? Is it a characteristic?

But then Max reminded me that we can only see in others that which we see in ourselves.  And well, this couldn’t have come at a better time because all I’m seeing in myself these days is amazing.  (Remember…I love me!)  So, instead of a list of qualities that I think I would like to have in someone she suggested that I make a list of the qualities that I love about me and look for those in another.  Because really, if Mr. Right is anything like me he’s going to be awesome! 😉

So here it is, all the things I love about me and want in a partner…

  • Thoughtful & reflective
  • Kind & respectful of other’s feelings
  • Acts in a way that promotes everyone’s enjoyment, happiness and well-being
  • Intelligent
  • Affectionate
  • Possesses strong family values
  • Ambitious & motivated but knows how to relax
  • Playful, fun & adventurous
  • Fit & healthy
  • Dreamer
  • Generous
  • Complimentary
  • Loves Christmas
  • Wants to get married
  • Curious about people, what they have to say and what makes them great
  • Tall (6’2” minimum) & attractive
  • Romantic
  • Compassionate
  • Loves animals
  • Cares deeply for others and is cared deeply for
  • Loves and wants children
  • Believes anything is possible and whatever is desired in life can be created

As I created this list it was hard not to think…Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who’s going to have all that??? But then I remembered, it’s created from the qualities that I love about me. I’m all that!

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

There’s a lot going on in this one and no few title words can sum it up. Just read…

I date asses! Intellectual lone wolves are generally asses.  Most of my friends are simultaneously giving me a big D’UH! right now. But I’ve been so busy defending some bad boyfriend behaviour or sorry shortcoming or…

I walked away from this for a few minutes because I had trouble continuing to call my exes asses without justifying their asshole behaviour.  Ugh! Why do I do that? Me and Mia came up with a theory the other day…I don’t believe in myself.  To my friends who are reading I would love to hear if this is news or about fricken’ time I saw it! I beat myself up constantly.  I’m always waiting for the shoe to drop.  I’ve got a productivity calculator constant tallying what needs to be done and what’s not been done. Frustratingly, the math usually comes up way short of good enough. 

Somehow, I’ve learned to function despite this gruelling self-deprecation. For example: I have amazing friends who love me unconditionally. I mean these people are extraordinary with astounding achievements and even more astounding plans for their futures.  And they love me.  To keep that company I must not be all bad. I’ve also accomplished a lot professionally.  I have chosen well suited careers and have had a great deal of success. Finally, I generally get what I want. i.e. When it was time for me to move out of mine and Tim’s old place I knew exactly what apartment I wanted. I got it.  I’m living blissfully roommate and Tim free in a lovely one bedroom, south facing apartment that all my stuff fits perfectly into.

But for some reason when it comes to relationships I attract guys who bail, are unromantic, smoke too much pot, lack ambition, don’t want marriage & family and are often outright asses to me (not always and not extreme, I should be clear, I have never been abused).  None-the-less they aren’t “nice guys.” Where are the nice guys? I know they are out there. My friends are married to or dating them. I am colleagues with them.  But they never seem to be the men I attract or who are attracted to me.  Why not? Why not? Why not? Frustrating!

I’m stuck on the problem. And blind to the solution. I need a break.

A few weeks later…

Clichés – statements that have basically lost all meaning because they are repeated so frequently. However, at the root of any cliché the meaning is actually quite profound. Today’s cliché…“ In order to truly love another until you must truly love yourself.”  We’ve all heard it a thousand times but I never really got it.  Yeah yeah…of course I love myself, now bring on the love of a good man.  But in truth I have spent way too much of my energy putting myself down and that shit spreads out.  If I talked about any of my friends the way I talk about myself I wouldn’t have any friends. So, while I’ve not hated myself I’ve definitely not shown me a lot of love. 

That day that Mia and I came up with the thought that I don’t think I’m good enough came about when she asked me…”what’s my bottom line in relationships?” My response was a silent shrug. Mia, so patient, in her wonderful coaching ways walked me through her own bottom line as an example.  She basically boiled it down to “how do I expect to be treated?” My brain was firing but I was still pretty quiet.  She kept going with examples of important facets of minimum respect. (i.e. they should never call you a whore – joking or otherwise!) I finally spoke.  I told her that I know what I want I just don’t feel like I can ask that of someone when I don’t have that quality myself.  She seemed surprised for a about a millisecond but then I think it all made sense to her. 

“In order truly love another until you must truly love yourself.” And the reason is not because I am incapable of loving another it’s that without loving myself I’m setting a really low bar for how they love me.  I make myself a bit of a victim, wounded and lowly and lucky to get what I can. 

So it’s not really that I date asses, I just let them treat me that way because of the way I treat myself.  But no more.  It’s been several week since my last post and even more weeks since Mia and I had this particular discussion, and we’ve had a few more even.  She’s amazing and I’m so grateful she’s my friend.  And she, along with all my other amazing friends, are my jumping off point for loving myself everyday and all the time.  Because if those extraordinary people love me I KNOW I’m pretty amazing too. 

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Am I desperate?

So I’m in my kitchen, making popcorn and gearing up to watch “The Secret.” And I don’t mean The Secret with David Duchovny as a husband mourning his wife whose spirit returns in their daughter’s body. I mean The Secret documentary outlining the Laws of Attraction. You decide which one is better to be up to alone on a Saturday night!!! Anyway, I’m making popcorn and I realize it’s 9pm and I’m making popcorn, just for me. I’m alone on Saturday night and I can’t help but wonder if I am the stereo-typical 30 something single female?

I’m saved from my potentially depressing thoughts by my buzzer.

Jack and Lola, recently married super couple, have stopped by and I tell them about my query.  They’re both quick to assure me that I’m anything but stereo-typical.  Such wonderful friends! I told them I didn’t think I was stereo-typical either but who thinks that they are? Are there 30 something single women who think they are desperate? Forgive my use of the d words so freely but when we get right to the brass taxes of what the 30 something single female stereo-type is, it usually boils down to desperate? Looking for love in a dwindling market. Friends pairing off and procreating. Justifying Saturday night home alone with popcorn by insisting the other 164 hours of the week were so exciting and fulfilling that I don’t need a date tonight. Who admits to that? Who admits they are the stereo-type? Are there Asians that admit they are the bad drivers that give all Asians the bad-driver stereo-type?

Am I desperate? As much as I’d like to just say NO and end this post right here, it’s not a simple answer. On one hand, I’m pretty cool with a lot of really great things going for me; a job I love, a caring and close family, a great apartment, friends who pop by just when I need them to assure me that I am in fact, not desperate. But on the other hand, ominously shadowing all of that greatness is the dwindling possibility of having the marriage and family I’ve always wanted.

“The family I’ve always wanted”…It rolls off my tongue like it’s prophesy and yet I’ve sabotaged every opportunity for its existence.  Just when each of my relationships have reached that critical “together forever” moment I’ve bailed (well, in the case of my ex-husband I bailed shortly after the critical moment). Okay, so I’m not desperate I’m nihilistic. I might be better off being desperate. J But this isn’t the case in all facets of my life.

I’ve had a great deal of success in many areas of my life.  I have chosen careers in which I excel by not only doing the work but by letting my nature take its course.  There are things in life we have an affinity for. For me, playing volleyball was one.  I am naturally suited to the sport. I love the game. And I knew I was going to be good even when I looked more like Bambi on ice than an efficient offensive threat. That combination rocketed me to the top of the game.  Statements about my aspirations for the sport, (“When I play for team Canada…”) even at a very infantile stage of my development, rolled off my tongue with ease.  Much like the statement – “the family I’ve always wanted.”

But somewhere along my relationship path this obvious and simple statement got blurred.  It was blurred by my divorce. It was blurred by dating and falling in love with men from all over the world complicating its simplicity.  It was blurred by dating men whose statements about relationships and family didn’t match mine.  One of the critical reasons I was successful in volleyball was because I surrounded myself with people whose statements and vision for success completely matched mine. I have failed at this in relationships.

So, am I the stereo-typical 30 something singleton? NO. I am anything but. I have unique and amazing qualities that make me unlike any other woman who in her 30’s also checks the single box. But am I desperate? Yes. I am desperate to get back to that simple statement that flowed so powerfully out of me before it was blurred…I want a husband and a family.

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Getting to the date

I’ve got game. Well I’m good for the first and last quarter but I choke around half time.  Take for instance this morning, at the coffee shop. This super tall regular was behind me in line. I had seen him there plenty of times before and noticed him because of his 6’7” stature. But today was the first time our timing was in sync and we stood together heads above everyone else.

As a regular he knows the baristas by name and after salutations were finished he asked the punky tattoed cashier to remind him before he left to buy soap from the drug store next door.  My first thought was they were dating. But something overruled the ruling and I said

“That’s asking your barista to go above and beyond the call of duty.”
He replied, “But they’re really good at it.”
“Good at being your personal assistants? Do you come in each morning, get your coffee and ask if you have any appointments that day.”
He laughed. And then we both said, in unison…”Did I miss any calls?”
We laughed. End of first quarter.  A very well played quarter.

Start of the second quarter. I waited for my tea while he got his cup of coffee. Again timing was in sync and we went to make the same move for the same narrow doorway.
“After you.” He said looking me straight in the eye.
“Thanks.” I sheepishly murmured and walked out.

So here we sit at half-time.  I know two things 1) I’ll see him again at the coffee shop and 2) if I can get to the 4th quarter (a date) I’ll have game again.  But what’s my third quarter move?

How does anyone do that? You know, get past the small talk and into the I’m single, you single? I’m interested, you interested?  phase of the game. At the bar and online it’s relatively easy.  Online you’re online so it’s obvious. At the bar there’s liquid courage and some single-vibe beacon that gets turned on. But at the coffee shop, or the grocery store, or the gym there’s something about the light of day and lack of alcohol and lack of world-wide web aka safety net that just makes it enormously intimidating to get into dating.

Blenz coffee is doing its part to help make matches. Red cups are for singles and tan cups are for those not looking to get picked up at their local java hut.  This helps. But until Blenz starts adding some Bailey’s to their medium roast I still need to find the guts to ask a red cup out.  And should I have to? In truth, I want to be pursued.  But as many Vancouver woman know, the men here are not the most forward creatures on earth.  So please, send help, send advice, send stories. How did you meet your man? How did your friend’s friend’s brother’s aunt meet her man? Have you ever picked someone up or been picked up in the light of day? What has worked? What has bombed? And, also very important, where is the line that defines desperate?

 

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Attention Universe! This one’s for you…are you listening?

Since I told John about the vomitous date and since he apologized profusely it’s been really easy for us both to be really honest with each other. It would seem that honesty fosters honesty. I know the guy I described in my previous blog sounds like a total douche but that was just one night.  Am I making excuses? Maybe. But I did feel that this situation required more consideration, so I went out with him again.  But really, is anyone who’s reading surprised? Because just like any bad-boy story, Carry & Big, Bridget & Daniel, Hannibal Lector & Agent Starling, me & John are never quite finished.

I forgave John his night of insolence.  We have since been on several dates and have had a good time.  He makes me laugh, he’s smart and has lead an interesting life.  He has 2 kids.  This isn’t a problem for me. I love kids and would love to have some of my own one day.  The problem lies in time.  He works a lot and so do I. But when I have a day off it’s all about whatever I want to do. His days off are primarily booked for time with the kids.  I’ve been here before, remember William from blog #1?  That lead me to my first resolution…do I like him? Hmm? He makes me laugh.  He’s tall and very attractive to me.  He likes off-road camping, snowboarding, and biking.  He’s got romantic capabilities! But, he’s a little rough around the edges i.e. he swears too much. He’s also tough to pin down and not always reliable. He’s bailed almost as often as he showed.  He always has a legitimate reason; kids, work etc. but as my friend Mia puts it….don’t look at the individual instances but the trend.  The trend is that I can’t count on him.  So, no matter how much I like how he kisses or the workplace flirtation or just listening to his stories he’s not someone I can rely on. And I don’t like that.

Several hours later…

I get it.  You know how you can”get it”, like in your head but not really get it.  I got it, in my head, but I didn’t really get it…get it? Let me explain. I know that me & John are wrong, I get it.  But I only just really got it! He is the pattern.  I have brought him back to me three times.  I have done what I always do when I convince someone who isn’t totally sure they want the same kind of relationship I want, that they, in fact do want it…or some version of it anyway coz let’s not forget that I am willing to bend myself into extraordinary contortions to make it work as well.  John is such familiar territory. In my first year with Tim, I called him Derek (my ex-husband’s name) on more than 5 occasions, in front of people, out loud! I have managed to gag myself this time around but I have choked on “Tim” several times when addressing John.  John is familiar territory.

I feel a little blue about having to end things with John.  Crushes are so much fun and make life more interesting. But butterflies aside, I’m able to keep the big picture in mind. That said, the big picture is still not all that clear.  What is my intention at this time? One of the biggest relationship lessons I’ve learned is that what I intend is exactly what I get and without any intention all I’ve got is old habits!

So here goes…readers, universe, myself, here is my intention for immediate future of my romantic life…

I intend to date. I intend to date whoever my friends set me up with. I intend to date anyone who asks me out.  I intend to find some people to ask out myself.  I intend to date different people from different walks of life.  And while I’m dating them I intend on being very transparent about what I want and what I’m looking for in a relationship and in life. And I intend to only continue dating someone if those match. I intend to be very much myself. I intend to date to find someone to spend my life with.

There, I’ve said it.  Now it’s just finding some guys to date…suggestions?

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad date stories are always funny eventually…right?

This post is not for the squeamish.  The date I’m about to describe was vomitous!  (I just made that word up because the right word didn’t already exist)

It started really well. He met me at my hair salon because, once again, I had let my roots grow too long and it was a major operation for my wonderful hairdresser.  (Lindsay at Hush) He came in, walked over, bent down and whispered in my ear that I looked beautiful.  So nice to hear for two reasons…one, who doesn’t like to hear that they look beautiful and two I was about to pay and it’s really nice to know it’s totally worth it.  J

We walked back to my place to pick up Clyde (my dog) and take him for a walk.  On the walk we decided where we were going to go for dinner. John’s British, yummy accent, and loves curries so we decided on Vij’s. (amazing and delicious, always lined up so be prepared to make an evening of it)

Before dinner however we go a bit…inebriated.  And well, another side of John made an appearance. The humour that had me laughing til I cried at the ski-lodge was now vulgar, inappropriate and shocking. The compliments about my height turned into slurs about my feminity. The flirty jokes about his attraction to me became hooker talk (not that I even think hookers deserve to be talked to like that). His adorable child-like impatience became angry rants about the world today.

Ugh! This is vague and I’ve promised full disclosure.  Okay, here’s a story with detail…

At Vij’s, because there is always a wait to get a table, they have a waiting area where they serve drinks and amuse-bouches. I absent minded-ly took some food from a dish on the bar.  John looked at me horrified.
“What?”
“Don’t eat that!”
“Why not?”
“NEVER EAT BAR FOOD! People go to the bathroom, don’t wash their hands, come back and stick their hands in it. GROSS!”
Fair enough I thought to myself. He’s got a point but he wasn’t done.
“You may as well have given a blow job to every guy in this bar, you’re so dirty. Actually, you probably have you little whore.”
My jaw was on the floor.  What do you even say to that? In the moment I was a little schmammered but even now, sober, I don’t know what I should have done.  Walked out? Slapped him? Told him immediately those comments are over the line?

So what did I do? I had dinner with him.  It was a quiet dinner, aside from the suckling and slurping as he devoured his food like a hyena on a carcass. I was mortified.

But then, as the food settled into his belly, the other John came back.  On the walk home he was sweet and complimentary again.  Too drunk to drive home. Too late for buses. He crashed on my couch.  Not before we made out a bit! Ugh. I’m so attracted to him and he’s a very good kisser.

The next morning he had to leave fairly early so Clyde and I walked him out.  He told me that he had a really great time and can’t wait to do it again.  Uh, okay. NOT!

He hopped in the cab and drove off. It wasn’t 3 minutes before I started to feel a bit bad that I hadn’t told him what a bad time I had.  So I called him.  I told him.  He was mortified.  He claims to not remember any of it. He just remembers laughing a lot and thinking I was wonderful.  Well, he was laughing a lot and I was wonderful for not punching him in the head.  He asked me to tell him some of the things he said. I told him the bar food story.  He apologized.  And justified, “I was really wasted.” And apologized again. He asked for more.  I told him some more.  More apologies.

He seemed genuinely sorry and significantly mortified that he said and did some of the things he did.  He kept asking for more details but I finally just said…”Look, you’re sorry and you seem pretty insistent that it’s was only because you were wasted. Let’s just forget it.”

And I did.

Posted in Dating, Love, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment